are you you?

the hardest belief in the world to shake is the belief that "i am me." yet this "me" we so unquestionably believe in is a fiction, as real as a character in a book or a movie. it's a character we've been taught to identify with to such a degree that we lose the capacity to remember it's just a creation of the mind.

if the entire contents of your mind were utterly wiped out as you slept tonight, who would you be upon awakening tomorrow? who would it be, sitting upright in that bed, eyes open, breathing? the you you think you are would be gone - but what aspect of your current experience would remain even then?

opening eyes

opening eyes for the first time is like getting your head above water and breathing in air for the first time. after having been gone for an indeterminate amount of time, we are suddenly purely and intensely here.

in reality, we have periods of intense awareness sporadically throughout our lives, whether or not we practice to achieve them. but the nearly unbroken chain of mental identification that appears to take place within most of us most of the time can cast a surprisingly alluring spell on our attention, making us believe thoughts are indeed real and who we are is absolutely contingent upon a mental position.

accepting the presence of mental activity and being simultaneously aware of one's nature as the object-perceiving awareness rather than the object itself, life is approached from a different perspective, one that is not as strongly rooted to a limited sense of self but perceives its very essential nature as inextricably linked to everything it perceives.

when we suddenly realize that we are an aware presence encapsulated in a body with no true knowledge of why we find ourselves immersed in this human experience, we touch a true source of humility. we are ignorant to how exactly we've gotten here. it's as if we suddenly awoke within a dream and acknowledged to ourselves the fact that we don't know what this is or why we're here. we look and see with lucid unknowing. enlightened ignorance: the first step in any direction to finding out, since no answer can be provided without a question having been asked in some form or another.

while none of us will probably ever have all the answers, it is possible to arrive at a realization of one's existential, experiential nature that contrasts pretty vastly with what we may have been conditioned - or conditioned ourselves - to believe we were. being aware of one's ultimate nature as consciousness itself does not necessarily answer all questions, but with regard to one's sense of what one is it removes the need for a question to be formed in the first place. one is what one is as one feels oneself - not even that, since for one thing to feel another there has to be a perception of distinction; one firstly and primordially is, and all else comes after and falls within that.

to have a glimpse of awakeness as you're strolling from your car to work or school is like suddenly inhabiting an unsolved mystery, looking behind eyes that are as much an enigma as what they see. insects, trees, sky... what is it all? becoming passionate about finding the answer to this riddle we feel tugging on our very heartstings is the spark that will lead to a fire that will lead to a sudden flash of recognition: the recognition of something so obvious and intimate it is like we finally realized a truth that has been completely self-evident throghout every moment of our lives but has somehow managed to stay out of conscious awareness. since knowing what we are (by virtue of being it consciously) is the most relevant thing that could possibliy be, residing in a state of prevailing existential unconsciousness creates a deep-rooted and highly invested-in source of dysfunction, of unnecessary suffering.

life is not always easy but it can be an awe-filled, beautiful experience for which one feels an overwhelming sense of gratitude. it can be an adventure filled with adversity but on fire with passionate discovery and flooded by joy, contentment, and love. the alternative (the fear-driven life of ego-identification) is like hell compared to heaven.

the shift in human consciousness from "it's me against the world" to "i am a part of everything i see and everything i see is a part of me" is drastic and radical. it marks the beginning of the end of one thing, and the beginning of quite another. making unmistakable contact with our true nature may not solve all of the issues we think need solving, but it will resolve the one drive that, with or without our awareness, has provided the basis for every experience in our life.

lost in the wilderness of mind

to be consumed by mind-identification is like being lost in a vast and alien wilderness. there is a constant urgency to "go somewhere," to "find something"... to arrive finally at a comfortable, non-threatening place. nearly every landscape we encounter, however, has a feeling of unfamiliarity (or "not-right-ness") attached to it, and much of the time we suffer from an underlying sense that - despite being surrounded by the people and places we're familiar with - we ourselves are caught in a strange and unsettling inner space.

in devoting the main thrust of our energy or awareness to the mind, our experience naturally becomes defined by the attributes of mental functioning. we lose ourselves in the infinitely complex labyrinth of thought in all of its forms: memories, speculations, fears, desires, regrets, obsessions... we become desperately entangled in the mental "story of me."

just as we can sit and concentrate heavily upon the physical sensation of inhabiting our body and thus temporarily experience ourselves as primarily a physical entity, by concentrating our awareness upon the mind we experience ourselves as primarily a mental entity. the difference between the two is that focusing awareness on the physical sensations associated with inhabiting a body brings us into the present, real moment (raising our consciousness out of the thorny entanglement of mind-identification), while devoting our energy to the mind only furthers our entrenchment in a delusional perception of reality.

the "answer" to our mental search for truth lies beyond the mind; it is wordless, thoughtless. it is revealed in the midst of utter silence because it is the felt experience of what we are. no concept, belief or theory is needed to "bridge the gap" between the state of existential ignorance and innate knowingness, because no such gap exists. when a person is said to experience awakening or realization, change only occurs at the level of awareness, not at the level of being (i.e. one realizes what one always was, as opposed to one becoming something one wasn't).

so to return to the first idea addressed in this post, a return from the unsettling wilderness of mind-identification is possible - but not by taking the right turns or seeking out the correct mental landscape. further engagement in the mind's labyrinth - regardless of the intention behind it - can only solidify the attachment of consciousness to mind. what's called for instead is a disengagement from the mental perspective; a "pulling back" from the world of thought and an abidance in the context of silent awareness.

this is often difficult to do because it feels like "quitting" on one's problems. the temptation to resolve all of the knots - which in actuality don't need resolving in terms of self-realization since the mind is not who we are - holds one back. it is a gravitational force that's difficult to overcome. once achieved, however, a powerful rupture in the consciousness-mind entanglement takes place, and with practice it becomes easier to recede from the highly specified context of mind-identification to the more encompassing context of silent awareness.

to not do

the maladies of a life lived in ignorance of one's true nature are multifarious and pervasive, but no matter how many forms they take or how deeply they penetrate, the source is always the same: misplaced self-identification. there exists, therefore, only one solution (truth-realization) and one way to bring it about: to stop identifying with what one is not.

how does one do that? one doesn't. one DOESN'T identify. since identity is already self-complete, identifying is simply not necessary (not to mention severely problematic). the notion of "identifying with" points to the common misperception that identity is something that must be constructed and maintained, shaped and perfected over time. as if the reality of what we are were a matter of preference!

isn't it terribly obvious that our very existence is proof positive of a root identity that was always there, long before any of our coveted opinions and beliefs came along and took center stage in our life? when we were carefree infants rocking back in our crib and plopping our big toe in our mouth, were we in fact not real because we hadn't yet crafted a personality?

in reality, the truth of what we were then is just as true now (how could it be any other way?). one thing that has changed is the development between then and now of a particularly nasty little psychological parasite known as ego.

many analogies have already been used throughout history to illustrate the withdrawal of energy from identification in order to reveal identity. a good one is that of the twisted towel: imagine turning a towel in opposing directions from either end. we can picture it building up tension, getting increasingly constricted and tangled. we can now ask ourselves what it would take to let the towel unwind and return to its natural, smooth state. more tension? obviouisly not. not even additional twisting in the opposite direction is necessary. all that's called for is a simple release, and the situation resolves itself.

what's needed here is a letting go of the activity that got us all tangled up in the first place, and the situation will resolve itself. as complicated and hectic as our present situation may be, we can't expect some big, flashy miracle or act from god to get us out of this mess. the solution is utterly simple and unpretentious: we have to stop obsessing over what we want and don't want to be and start paying attention to what we are. the former is characterized by incessant thought streams and mind plotting; the latter involves the willingness to be silent and observant along with the humility to accept that reality may be completely unrelated to what we've always believed it to be. the transition is possible if we're ready to accept that identity must be discovered, not created.

when death implies victory

the ego wants external things as part of an unconscious drive to fulfill its inherent sense of lack. this feeling of "not-enoughness" is intrinsic to the ego, which in essence can be defined as a mechanism designed to perpetuate the non-recognition of formlessness as true identity.

there's a funny paradox here. the ego knows it needs something - anything - to bring about completion, satisfaction, rest, and it seeks it out in as many varied ways as there are forms in the world. it projects its need to identify with things onto anything, big or small, that seems suitable at the time. it comes from the assumption that if you put enough pieces of the puzzle together, finally you'll arrive at a complete picture and be content.

the paradox is that the whole reason behind the ego's drive to complete or save itself is its very own existence; when the ego comes apart, completion is realized as the natural state of being.

usually, when an organism is sick beyond its ability to repair itself, potential solutions are available externally and if applied correctly have the power to bring about healing and a restoration to the normal balance of things. the inability to find and apply the necessary external remedy results in death, which in this context implies failure.

in the ego's case - if for analogy's sake we take it to be a self-perpetuating psychological organism - the situation is completely reversed: what keeps it alive is the very act of unsuccessfully seeking out and applying remedy after supposed remedy (some of which may provide a temporary sense of completion), when the only real solution (de-identification with form) would bring about its death - which in this case would imply victory!

the ego is just that: an unresolvable need to find something that doesn't exist, the process itself of reaching out for more regardless of what one has, of wanting something different regardless of what is. what the ego seeks cannot be found because it wants something external to identify with that will finally make it complete. this is obviously impossible! what one is is what one is; it's already the case and doesn't need to be pieced together, found, thought up or somehow manufactured (through a spiritual practice for example) to be made real.

it's possible to be unaware of this reality, and what precludes that awareness are none other than the continuous ego-processes: self-definition through identification with thought and emotion; reliving the past and projecting into the future as a form of self-seeking; chronic resistance to what is, regardless of what that may be.

coming back to the puzzle image, picture a child confused into believing that who she is lies fragmented somewhere among countless puzzle pieces scattered across her playroom floor. her sense of desperation grows as she draws from one puzzle set after another (all of which have been confused into an unrecognizable mess), never sure if she's pursuing the right image but, in her panic, too afraid to stop her mad grasping.

imagine the profound relief, peace and joy brought on by the sudden realization of the simple truth: "oh my god! i've been playing with toys all along! i am already here, regardless of what happens to these puzzle pieces. they are irrelevant to who i am." now that the puzzles are no longer invested with the absolute seriousness of representing who she is, the child can actually enjoy them as they were meant to be - as games meant to produce joy, not suffering.

this is why we often hear about the response to spiritual awakening being a great, incredulous laugh. wouldn't you respond similarly if you suddenly realized you'd been seeking your identity in puzzles - toys! - when in fact the truth of who you were was always complete, readily available, obvious and infinitely simpler than the illusion you'd fallen into?

learning vs. self-defense

real growth can result when we choose learning over self-defense. this involves the willingness to accept the imperfect nature of our ego, which consists of an endlessly complex network of illusions, reactions and attachments.

initially, accepting this imperfection is difficult because of our level of identification with the ego; acknowledging its limitations seems tantamount to declaring ourselves "unworthy" or "bad."

with practice, however, sincerity towards the unproductive, unjustified and destructive habits of the ego is tremendously liberating and helps cultivate a healthy sense of humility and humor (there's great freedom in being able to laugh at the ego's foolish nature, in not taking it too seriously).

as we begin to assess our ego objectively, identification is naturally withdrawn from it. facing its limitations no longer entails a defeat but instead represents a victory in that we come one step closer to unearthing the unconscious programs that have been running our lives and concealing our natural propensity for happiness. we begin to clearly perceive a difference between our aware nature and the automatic, unconscious responses of the ego.

"being right" and "being perfect" is no longer a life or death matter once we realize that we are not our ego. when we're right, we win absolutely nothing; when we're wrong, we're not diminished in the slightest. realizing this takes pride out of the equation, allowing us to shine the light of awareness on aspects of our ego we had previously blinded ourselves to.

the pettiness of refusing to acknowledge the limitations of our ego is a huge price to pay for a self-defense mechanism that only serves to keep us entrenched in unconsciousness and suffering. bringing our limitations to light, on the other hand, can become a truly joyful act in that it facilitates the dissolution of yet another obstacle to true peace and happiness.

the behavior we choose to perpetuate

we think we have a personality. we think we can do certain things, and can't do others: some things we do fall within the realm of our personality and if we do them, we're being ourselves, being sincere. some things don't, so if we do them we're being fake, pretending.

the truth is we're always pretending. or, we're never pretending, because behavior is irrelevant to what we are, is not the determinant of what we are. the truth of what we are is there, existing perfectly in every moment, independently of our body type, hair color, verbal or body language, the way we talk, the music we listen to, the way we tie our shoes.

as long as we hold on to the idea that our behavior determines who we are, there will be a great internal battle, a constant tension. there will be an exhausting fight to control our thoughts and actions, to make sure we adhere to the "person" we want to be.

sadly, this fight will never come to a conclusion because there can be no victor. there can be no victor because what we are is not a "person" but a "presence." if the person we want to be fights against the person we are, attention is taken away from our simple nature of impersonal presence.