fear of nothingness

when you look inside, what do you see? is there anything you can point to and say, "this is what i am"? the fact that there isn't a single tangible thing we can grasp onto as the essence of what we are creates a deeply unconscious fear within us, the fear of nothingness. this leads us to project outward and struggle to create an identity where we believe one is lacking. hence, the ego and all of the suffering and insecurity that comes with trying our damnedest to believe we're something we know is not real.

fortunately, none of this is necessary, because nothingness (no-thing-ness) is not the same as nonexistence. it's true that we're not a "thing," but realizing and accepting this unconditionally is not life-negating, but profoundly liberating and life-affirming. we're not a thing, but we still are. and since we're not a thing, we're not subject to all of the perils of objecthood. it's up to us to discover what it means to be, but not to be as an object, as a thing.

losing all and getting everything in return

the spiritual quest is not one of striving to bring about or attain truth, but of allowing truth to reveal itself as it already is.

one fundamental misperception we suffer under in the quest for spiritual realization is that enlightenment must be gotten, as if it were some kind of accessory that can be added on to pre-existing identity structures. in this fantasy we'd become supercharged versions of our same basic selves; new and improved in certain respects, but maintaining the same old foundational belief in our intrinsic being as existing separately from everything else.

in other words, we'd like to have our cake (holding on to our belief in separate selfhood) and eat it too (experiencing the clarity and peace of enlightenment). these conflicting drives can keep us in a potentially endless loop where seemingly sincere spiritual striving is sabotaged by the underlying fear of letting go of erroneous yet intensely familiar interpretations of reality.

often as spiritual seekers, rather than being willing to give something up, what we really want is to get more. this is simply an extension of the same impulse that tells us we need a newer car, bigger house, better hairstyle. the impulse to get more, to have new things - material or spiritual - is based upon a fundamental resistance to things as they are. this resistance is exactly what keeps us separated from the actual experience of enlightenment, which is nothing more than the realization of what we really are and the accompanying understanding that what we previously thought ourselves to be was a misperception - an illusion.

in a certain sense, realization comes at a price. we must sacrifice our illusory beliefs before the blinding veil can be dispensed with and things revealed as they truly are. in feeding our fantasies we remain blinded to the truth, but they have become so familiar to us that giving them up can be extremely difficult. the problem is that we have become so identified with the illusion that we believe it is what we are, and letting it go seems tantamount to losing ourselves - in a sense, dying.

gaining real spiritual insight involves a radical process of letting go, not necessarily of material possessions (that would make it easy) but of our very foundational beliefs about who and what we are. our mind-made identity is what's nearest and dearest to us. it's the hardest thing to give up, but it must be surrendered in order to break free from the trap of egoic consciousness. the very thing we'd most like to hold on to (or to be more accurate, what we most fear letting go of) is the very thing that's holding us back from enlightened awareness.

paradoxically, when we become motivated by enough faith and courage to let even our most foundational beliefs about self evaporate (in other words, to release absolutely everything by dying to our moment-to-moment conception of self as we know it), at the very moment when it seems we will indeed evaporate, die, and forever disappear into oblivion, our limited egoic consciousness dissolves into a larger awareness that acknowledges itself as inseparable from everything - as one with all that is.

everything changes. nothing changes.

paradoxes abound in the arena of spiritual awakening. one such paradox involves the concepts of change versus no change, or the possibility of doing something to effect awakening versus the idea that no sum of actions can produce such a state.

while on the surface these arguments seem to conflict, in truth they run parallel to one another and describe the process of awakening from alternate and equally valid perspectives.

on the one hand, undeniable changes take place during genuine spiritual development. habitual behaviors, tendencies of mind and emotional patterns are naturally shed as love replaces fear as our prevailing experience and the cornerstone of our relationship to life. goals that previously dominated our lives fizzle out and die, and a completely new way of being and reason for existing emerges.

and yet these very real changes only take place at the level of experience, thought, action. they are the natural byproducts of an abiding recognition of that which is ultimately changeless and ever-present within ourselves. the realization that nothing true about what we are ever has, can, or will change is what - seemingly paradoxically - brings about all of the changes in behavior typically associated with the awakened state.

but the cart should not be placed before the horse, since emulating the byproducts of awakening will never produce awakening itself. it would be as if someone shaved their head and laid in bed all day hoping to get cancer. forcing ourselves to act happy and nonjudgemental is exactly the type of repressive action that keeps us cut off from a direct confrontation with our true nature.

enlightenment cannot be brought about by action, but can be allowed to emerge naturally by ceasing to engage in the particular set of actions that have obscured it from our awareness. a certain kind of action is required in order to identify and relinquish these repressive behaviors, but it comes about through a more objective and non-manipulative stance than is traditionally associated with active involvement (it is more of an "allowing" than a "bringing about").

at some point in our spiritual development, then, we must accept that: (1) awakening or enlightenment is not what we imagined it to be, has not been tailored to specifically address our deepest desires and wildest fantasies; and (2) the part we can play in the process of awakening - if indeed the desire for it has matured sufficiently within us - does not in any way resemble pretending like we're already enlightened and free of conflict. it requires us to stop pretending, which on the level of behavior can take any number of forms (many of which don't exactly coincide with the idealized image of a serene, compassionate spiritual student).

ultimately, in order to awaken we've got to cut the crap and come face to face with all the shit we've been trying to avoid our entire lives. are we ready to do that? or would we rather keep on playing the game and deluding ourselves for a while? both options are fine, but the answer shows us whether or not we're truly serious about waking up.

battling the past vs. meeting the present

ten million years of ignorance and fear cannot stand up to a single moment of unguarded sincerity and the purity of love it reveals. the return to innocence is inspired by our innate perfection only as it reveals itself now, and is not achieved through the negation of our imperfect tendencies of the past. the ignorance of the past is what kept us from realization then, and only continues to exercise power over us until we release its hold on our identity. what has been done cannot and need not be undone, but this moment holds infinite and unlimited potential for new movement to take root. even the longest and most breathtaking journeys, however, begin with a single, simple step.