lies are loud, truth is humble

not speaking runs counter to ego because the illusory self feels a constant need to assert itself.

if the belief in ego as the ultimate source of identity is to be perpetuated, a constant level of noisemaking must be maintained; otherwise, what existence would our fabricated identities have? it is thoughts, whether externally voiced or internally recorded, that are used to construct the highly complex and ultimately false body of evidence that, as long as we continue offering worship to, keeps us alienated from the simple experience of truth.

truth is that which doesn't require theatricity but is already (and immutably) real. as opposed to illusion, we don't have to do absolutely anything in order for truth to be real. nothing we do or fail to do, nothing that happens or fails to happen, can make reality any more or less real. in silence, then - the backdrop of which is always present - truth emerges of its own.

truth is not some philosophical concept or unattainable goal. it is very personal and very relevant. it is what we are.

stopping and listening

the process of awakening is actually quite simple: instead of dedicating all of your energy towards (creating, maintaining, evaluating, improving...) a mental conception of who you think you are or want to become, start paying attention to what you actually are. that's about all there is to be said about waking up: stop making noise and start listening.

the ego is what stands in the way of truth-realization, and thoughts pertaining to a mental image of self are what the ego is made of. as long as this mental idolatry is kept front and center stage, no room is left for real discovery.

one can read hundreds of books about enlightenment; meditate for decades; dip into innumerable practices, disciplines and philosophies; discuss spirituality constantly... but none of this guarantees anything at all. none of this produces enlightenment, because waking up is not merely a matter of "putting in time" or "acting spiritual." (to be fair, however, engaging in a spiritual lifestyle does have the potential to create a favorable context for realization).

waking up involves separating awareness from ego: observing it from a detached perspective; realizing gradually its nature as an impersonal, mechanical process that doesn't represent an individual will or entity; disentangling, knot by knot, the sense of self from it.

but in reality nothing has to be done to wake up. something has to be stopped. the awareness of truth can only be postponed through concealing action - continual effort that obscures the otherwise self-evident truth. unceasing investment in ego is what keeps one separated from moment to moment from the awareness of what one truly is.

this is what needs to be stopped, and this stopping is the only work that can be done to wake up. truth cannot be "gotten" or brought about; its light dawns of its own accord when we cease to create the conditions that obscure it from awareness.

many forms of so-called spirituality involve brushing the ego up, smoothing it over - creating a prettier mental image of self. this may provide certain benefits, but ultimately, it's a step in the wrong direction. the truth can only be approached when the mental self-image is laid down, when awareness frees itself from the object of its fascination - the ego - and comes back to rest upon itself as untouched and unconditioned consciousness.

learning hurts

there seems to be a big tendency not only in spiritual circles but in all areas of life to strive for "optimal" states of experience. in spiritual life this takes the form of desiring blissful states of meditation, wanting to project a peaceful vibe, being continually tempted to introduce one's "uncommon" and presumably superior spiritual beliefs into the everyday marketplace of "common" ideas, and so on.

when something is elevated as superior above anything else you can be sure delusion is at work. if you sense a strong preference within you to avoid certain states and gravitate towards others (to cling stubbornly to one side of life, to a limited slice of experience), this probably means the things you're trying to avoid are exactly the things that need to be faced in order to come to a more realistic reckoning of yourself.

truth is all-encompassing, and what that means in relation to this discussion is that it can't be realized by turning a blind eye to the things you find most problematic in life. truth certainly isn't revealed if you dwell long enough on the things you find easiest; these are the things you don't need to work on, the things you've already figured out. it feels good to rest in these areas, but when we're ready for real growth to occur once again we have to set out on roads we haven't yet become familiar and comfortable with.

this is harder; it often hurts, and something within us (the inertial force of belief in personal selfhood) rails against it. idleness is the name of the game for ego: "let everything remain as it is. just keep doing the things you're doing now... and guess what? i'll even compromise: as long as you do the things i need you to, i'll let you believe anything at all you want to believe."

this broaches a tricky subject: "doing" vs. "not doing" in the context of awakening, or the idea that "change has to occur" vs. "nothing needs to change." in a sense, both are true: truth is already the case; nothing needs to be "done" or to "change" in order for it to be true, obviously. but in the context of the realization of this truth that is already true, something does need to be done; something most certainly must change. this "doing" and this "change" occur at levels that don't affect or bring about truth itself; the only impact they have is on a person's awareness of it.

so what needs to be done and what must be changed? to arrive at the unequivocal realization of truth, one must discard, in turn, each obstacle that separates one from this realization. what changes when this is achieved is one's comprehension of the reality of one's nature, and by extension the nature of all other beings, and by extension the nature of reality itself.

when this shift occurs, one can say without a sense of paradox that everything has changed and nothing has changed. truth was always there. it's been doing its thing long before buddha or anyone else came along and recognized the fact that it was staring them right in the face. so, nothing has changed. on the other hand, the experience of being completely lost in a delusional view of reality certainly differs from the experience of shedding this delusion - and this is a gradual process, despite sudden leaps that occur from time to time - and aligning oneself with how things actually are. so, everything changes.

but this is all quite irrelevant from the perspective of one who is still fighting the uphill battle of shedding the larger part of one's delusional views. what really matters at such a point is not to wonder about how far others have gotten, or how nice it must be for them to be where they are, but to look straight down at where one is and deal with the obstacle that sits right between one's eyes. life will let you know one way or another what that obstacle is, but it's important to remember that it won't always be something you'll be overjoyed to address. it's hard to approach the muck and gore of ego structure. since we're still identified with ego, seeing these things literally hurts because we think it reflects negatively upon us. learning and growth often hurt at the moment they're taking place, but if we're not willing to sacrifice our complacency we can't expect any real progress to occur.

working with, not against, ego

one of the obstacles to genuine spiritual development (i.e. the
gradual erosion of ego as the locus of self-identity) is the trap of
switching from a "worldly" ego to a spiritualized ego. both are egos
and in essence operate identically. while one may claim to pursue fame
and wealth and the other to desire only its own enlightenment or that
of all other beings, what they really both want is to stall off the
uncovering of their ultimate nonreality (which occurs either in
physical death or spiritual awakening) and be left to spin their webs
indefinitely.

an ego will latch onto any available means of continuance, and thus
define itself as materially successful, intellectual, spiritual - or,
on the flip side, a failure, unintelligent, unwise, etc. the way it
chooses to define itself is not important so long as it succeeds at
keeping awareness so firmly fixed on it that consciousness forgets
it's consciousness and virtually - but never truly - becomes the ego.

the ego's real goal, then, is not to be happy, attain pleasure or
secure power. these may be convenient secondary objectives, but it's
just as willing to use negativity and suffering if that's what it
takes to accomplish its sole primary purpose of remaining center stage
as the story of one's life, the "i" in "i am."

genuine interest in spiritual development may be sparked by something
true and pure within us, but that doesn't mean the ego won't be quick
to co-opt the whole operation and do what it does best by turning it into
yet another source of ammunition for storyweaving. suddenly we find
ourselves investing daily in the story that we're a spiritual person,
that we're on a spiritual quest; that we're becoming more and more
spiritual by the day and getting closer and closer to our objective.
suddenly this movement which originated in integrity becomes just
another agenda, gets placed on a timeline along with everything else,
and off we go happily spinning the hamster wheel deluding ourselves
into believing we're getting somewhere.

but no matter. this is an unavoidable aspect of spiritual development.
the question is, once we reach the critical point where we realize
we've just been spinning our wheels (whether it be for two years or
twenty), do we have the courage to turn back force of habit, relinquish
comfort, and walk away from our carefully constructed empire? if the
burden of our investment weights too heavily upon us, we may decide
that we couldn't possibly have been wrong all this time and ignore the
opportunity to take spiritual growth to a much more real and intimate
level.

it would certainly be nice if things were so simple that when the
desire for enlightenment arises, ego obligingly releases the reigns.
but it's simply not realistic to expect that. tricky little ego wants
to get its meddlesome fingers into everything it can. and that's
natural; it's been doing so for a very long time and has built up
tremendous inertial force in the process. how can we expect this
complex mechanism that's been doing its damnedest to run every single
aspect of our lives to suddenly take a back seat and allow something
else - something unfamiliar, something foreign, something UNKNOWN - to
take over? not likely. we should have a little more consideration and
respect for the ego than to expect that.

instead, we should see the ego not as a personal problem to be entered
into direct confrontation with (which is just another clever ego ploy
to duplicate itself, place its doppleganger on the execution line, fire, and
declare itself victor) but as an impersonal mechanism that must be
understood to be gradually dismantled. it is less a unified, coherent
entity that can be taken out in one fell swoop, and more a collection
of habitual thought patterns and automatic behaviors that persist even
after genuine experiences of awakening and whose decentralized centers
of operation must be patiently, methodically identified and passively
energy-starved time and time again. this, of course, is an impossible
task if one is identified with the notion that ego is an enemy
that must be destroyed at all costs.

to not do

the maladies of a life lived in ignorance of one's true nature are multifarious and pervasive, but no matter how many forms they take or how deeply they penetrate, the source is always the same: misplaced self-identification. there exists, therefore, only one solution (truth-realization) and one way to bring it about: to stop identifying with what one is not.

how does one do that? one doesn't. one DOESN'T identify. since identity is already self-complete, identifying is simply not necessary (not to mention severely problematic). the notion of "identifying with" points to the common misperception that identity is something that must be constructed and maintained, shaped and perfected over time. as if the reality of what we are were a matter of preference!

isn't it terribly obvious that our very existence is proof positive of a root identity that was always there, long before any of our coveted opinions and beliefs came along and took center stage in our life? when we were carefree infants rocking back in our crib and plopping our big toe in our mouth, were we in fact not real because we hadn't yet crafted a personality?

in reality, the truth of what we were then is just as true now (how could it be any other way?). one thing that has changed is the development between then and now of a particularly nasty little psychological parasite known as ego.

many analogies have already been used throughout history to illustrate the withdrawal of energy from identification in order to reveal identity. a good one is that of the twisted towel: imagine turning a towel in opposing directions from either end. we can picture it building up tension, getting increasingly constricted and tangled. we can now ask ourselves what it would take to let the towel unwind and return to its natural, smooth state. more tension? obviouisly not. not even additional twisting in the opposite direction is necessary. all that's called for is a simple release, and the situation resolves itself.

what's needed here is a letting go of the activity that got us all tangled up in the first place, and the situation will resolve itself. as complicated and hectic as our present situation may be, we can't expect some big, flashy miracle or act from god to get us out of this mess. the solution is utterly simple and unpretentious: we have to stop obsessing over what we want and don't want to be and start paying attention to what we are. the former is characterized by incessant thought streams and mind plotting; the latter involves the willingness to be silent and observant along with the humility to accept that reality may be completely unrelated to what we've always believed it to be. the transition is possible if we're ready to accept that identity must be discovered, not created.

when death implies victory

the ego wants external things as part of an unconscious drive to fulfill its inherent sense of lack. this feeling of "not-enoughness" is intrinsic to the ego, which in essence can be defined as a mechanism designed to perpetuate the non-recognition of formlessness as true identity.

there's a funny paradox here. the ego knows it needs something - anything - to bring about completion, satisfaction, rest, and it seeks it out in as many varied ways as there are forms in the world. it projects its need to identify with things onto anything, big or small, that seems suitable at the time. it comes from the assumption that if you put enough pieces of the puzzle together, finally you'll arrive at a complete picture and be content.

the paradox is that the whole reason behind the ego's drive to complete or save itself is its very own existence; when the ego comes apart, completion is realized as the natural state of being.

usually, when an organism is sick beyond its ability to repair itself, potential solutions are available externally and if applied correctly have the power to bring about healing and a restoration to the normal balance of things. the inability to find and apply the necessary external remedy results in death, which in this context implies failure.

in the ego's case - if for analogy's sake we take it to be a self-perpetuating psychological organism - the situation is completely reversed: what keeps it alive is the very act of unsuccessfully seeking out and applying remedy after supposed remedy (some of which may provide a temporary sense of completion), when the only real solution (de-identification with form) would bring about its death - which in this case would imply victory!

the ego is just that: an unresolvable need to find something that doesn't exist, the process itself of reaching out for more regardless of what one has, of wanting something different regardless of what is. what the ego seeks cannot be found because it wants something external to identify with that will finally make it complete. this is obviously impossible! what one is is what one is; it's already the case and doesn't need to be pieced together, found, thought up or somehow manufactured (through a spiritual practice for example) to be made real.

it's possible to be unaware of this reality, and what precludes that awareness are none other than the continuous ego-processes: self-definition through identification with thought and emotion; reliving the past and projecting into the future as a form of self-seeking; chronic resistance to what is, regardless of what that may be.

coming back to the puzzle image, picture a child confused into believing that who she is lies fragmented somewhere among countless puzzle pieces scattered across her playroom floor. her sense of desperation grows as she draws from one puzzle set after another (all of which have been confused into an unrecognizable mess), never sure if she's pursuing the right image but, in her panic, too afraid to stop her mad grasping.

imagine the profound relief, peace and joy brought on by the sudden realization of the simple truth: "oh my god! i've been playing with toys all along! i am already here, regardless of what happens to these puzzle pieces. they are irrelevant to who i am." now that the puzzles are no longer invested with the absolute seriousness of representing who she is, the child can actually enjoy them as they were meant to be - as games meant to produce joy, not suffering.

this is why we often hear about the response to spiritual awakening being a great, incredulous laugh. wouldn't you respond similarly if you suddenly realized you'd been seeking your identity in puzzles - toys! - when in fact the truth of who you were was always complete, readily available, obvious and infinitely simpler than the illusion you'd fallen into?

learning vs. self-defense

real growth can result when we choose learning over self-defense. this involves the willingness to accept the imperfect nature of our ego, which consists of an endlessly complex network of illusions, reactions and attachments.

initially, accepting this imperfection is difficult because of our level of identification with the ego; acknowledging its limitations seems tantamount to declaring ourselves "unworthy" or "bad."

with practice, however, sincerity towards the unproductive, unjustified and destructive habits of the ego is tremendously liberating and helps cultivate a healthy sense of humility and humor (there's great freedom in being able to laugh at the ego's foolish nature, in not taking it too seriously).

as we begin to assess our ego objectively, identification is naturally withdrawn from it. facing its limitations no longer entails a defeat but instead represents a victory in that we come one step closer to unearthing the unconscious programs that have been running our lives and concealing our natural propensity for happiness. we begin to clearly perceive a difference between our aware nature and the automatic, unconscious responses of the ego.

"being right" and "being perfect" is no longer a life or death matter once we realize that we are not our ego. when we're right, we win absolutely nothing; when we're wrong, we're not diminished in the slightest. realizing this takes pride out of the equation, allowing us to shine the light of awareness on aspects of our ego we had previously blinded ourselves to.

the pettiness of refusing to acknowledge the limitations of our ego is a huge price to pay for a self-defense mechanism that only serves to keep us entrenched in unconsciousness and suffering. bringing our limitations to light, on the other hand, can become a truly joyful act in that it facilitates the dissolution of yet another obstacle to true peace and happiness.

the counter-growth effect

as one's physical body is incresingly affected by the energy shifts associated with spiritual development (which in itself is characterized by the gradual undoing of the ego), the ego is quick to grab hold of seemingly extraordinary feelings and experiences and interpret them so as to attribute undue importance to itself.

"see?" it says, "that was VERY special. when have you ever felt anything like that? probably no one you know has ever experienced anthing like it." if these words hold sway, spiritual growth is being stunted or reversed in the name of ego inflation.

at certain stages, spiritual progress begins to effect strong changes in one's level of consciousness. this inevitably yields "extraordinary" experiences, which are actually only extraordinary from a previous standpoint and indicate nothing more than growth.

naturally, the ego will claim responsibility for these experiences. if this tactic isn't seen through, one can get lost in the delusion that one is more important than others and plummet back into the ego's gravitational force.

from a spiritual standpoint, it's helpful to remember that one will never be any more or less important than one ever was, or anyone or anything that ever was, is or will be. if notions such as "more," "less," "importance," "deserving," "wining" and "losing" can be put aside, spiritual growth will have much more space in which to operate.

love already understands

it's common knowledge that spiritual aspirants often confuse the quest for enlightenment as a drive to obtain and assimilate new information. spiritual awakening is actually a process of simplification. it involves the removal of obstacles, which take the form of beliefs about reality. information and beliefs are not inherently the enemy, but in the context of awakening they keep us separated from truth because they distract us from direct experience.

once the process of simplification reaches a point where there are no longer enough obstacles to eclipse the light of truth, realization occurs and understanding dawns in a natural way. information that was previously studied and incomprehensible is seen in a new light. from the previous standpoint, it was simply beyond reach, just as one can't see the contours of a forest when immersed within it no matter how hard one tries. the attempt to comprehend enlightenment intellectually is merely a diversionary tactic of the ego.

if one wants to emerge from the forest, one has to start walking up the mountain. it doesn't help to sit there under the trees and wonder about what the view's like from the mountaintop, or to merely read about and discuss others' accounts of that perspective. one simply starts taking steps, and while the view at the top is breathtaking, the steps themselves are just steps; nothing spectacular.

a few more notes on the ego

the ego's very foundation and means of continuance is the belief in the possibility of a separate, self-contained status. it isolates itself from its context and fails to acknowledge that its existence is wholly dependent on factors that are 100% impersonal.

the ego represents an imaginary boundary. it sits poised between seemingly separate internal and external worlds (only from its arbitrary viewpoint is division perceived) and falsely claims exclusivity over its illusory domain.

it claims authorship and ownership over things that it doesn't - and can't - create or own. this occurs predominantly with thoughts, which the ego is no more responsible for than it is for the functioning of the body at a cellular level.

spiritual ideals don't negate the authenticity of the ego as a final reality merely to be able to state that "there is no truth." obviously, there is a truth. the ego could never exist in the first place if it weren't for the reality of an underlying presence that confuses itself for the object of its focus, feeding the ego's momentum.

to illustrate this last point, plato's cave parable is useful. in it, chained prisoners rendered completely immobile mistakenly believe that they are their own shadows, which are projected on a wall in front of them. their shadows are the most readily apparent aspect of their existence; thus, instead of looking further for subtler existential truths and eventually arriving at the more difficult yet realer aspect of their existance as physical bodies, they devote all of their attention to these projections and remain ignorant to the truth.

similarly, the ego is a projection made possible by our true identity. the event wherein all outward projection temporarily ceases and a turning back of awareness upon itself occurs is what's called self-realization.

truth-concealer

the ego is nothing more than a grouping of memories, imaginings and expectations that we erroneously identify as the complete and final truth of what we are. the truth of being is always there, waiting and obvious.

the difficulty in recognizing our true identity lies in the fact that we're too distracted to be able to notice it. our attention is single-heartedly devoted to this collection of thoughts called the ego.

for spiritual purposes, perhaps the single most important fact about the ego is that it requires constant maintenance in order to maintain its pseudo-existence. when we impartially observe the mind's output without consciously adding to it, the ego begins losing its inertial force.

this weakens it, messing up it's whole momentum and creating occasional gaps in mentation. the ego dies in the spaces between thoughts. it needs a constant stream of noise in order to cover the underlying truth and successfully distract us from self-realization.

the sole function of the ego is to distract us from the truth. it makes a lot of commotion, arresting our attention. in contrast, the base of truth is ever-present, silent and unmoving. it's hard to identify because there's no background or context against which it can be picked out; it is the context. that's also what makes it so incredibly obvious once recognized.

the ego has taken so many forms throughout our lives. identities shift on a whim, especially at young ages. entire segments of the ego are lost, edited and added on a continual basis.

the truth is the one thing that's been equally present in each instance of our existence. though it may be obvious and simple, its realization is unspeakably life-altering. the positive change it entails cannot be adequately described because language itself parts from the false assumption of deleniation, limitation.

no middleman

the only goal of spirituality is to cut out the middleman between what's inside and what's outside. this middleman is also known as the ego.

through genuine spiritual living, one begins to glimpse the superfluous nature of the ego. this represents major spiritual progress and results in the natural reduction of its intrusive, pervasive activity.

as the incessant ego-chatter loses predominance, it becomes increasingly evident that not only does it fail to play an indispensible role; it's completely unnecessary - not to mention severely problematic to the natural functioning of life.

once the ego is recognized as a hindrance to happiness, its spell is broken and its eventual dissolution guaranteed. spiritually speaking, cutting out the middleman is as natural a reaction as the pulling out of a painful thorn.