working with, not against, ego

one of the obstacles to genuine spiritual development (i.e. the
gradual erosion of ego as the locus of self-identity) is the trap of
switching from a "worldly" ego to a spiritualized ego. both are egos
and in essence operate identically. while one may claim to pursue fame
and wealth and the other to desire only its own enlightenment or that
of all other beings, what they really both want is to stall off the
uncovering of their ultimate nonreality (which occurs either in
physical death or spiritual awakening) and be left to spin their webs
indefinitely.

an ego will latch onto any available means of continuance, and thus
define itself as materially successful, intellectual, spiritual - or,
on the flip side, a failure, unintelligent, unwise, etc. the way it
chooses to define itself is not important so long as it succeeds at
keeping awareness so firmly fixed on it that consciousness forgets
it's consciousness and virtually - but never truly - becomes the ego.

the ego's real goal, then, is not to be happy, attain pleasure or
secure power. these may be convenient secondary objectives, but it's
just as willing to use negativity and suffering if that's what it
takes to accomplish its sole primary purpose of remaining center stage
as the story of one's life, the "i" in "i am."

genuine interest in spiritual development may be sparked by something
true and pure within us, but that doesn't mean the ego won't be quick
to co-opt the whole operation and do what it does best by turning it into
yet another source of ammunition for storyweaving. suddenly we find
ourselves investing daily in the story that we're a spiritual person,
that we're on a spiritual quest; that we're becoming more and more
spiritual by the day and getting closer and closer to our objective.
suddenly this movement which originated in integrity becomes just
another agenda, gets placed on a timeline along with everything else,
and off we go happily spinning the hamster wheel deluding ourselves
into believing we're getting somewhere.

but no matter. this is an unavoidable aspect of spiritual development.
the question is, once we reach the critical point where we realize
we've just been spinning our wheels (whether it be for two years or
twenty), do we have the courage to turn back force of habit, relinquish
comfort, and walk away from our carefully constructed empire? if the
burden of our investment weights too heavily upon us, we may decide
that we couldn't possibly have been wrong all this time and ignore the
opportunity to take spiritual growth to a much more real and intimate
level.

it would certainly be nice if things were so simple that when the
desire for enlightenment arises, ego obligingly releases the reigns.
but it's simply not realistic to expect that. tricky little ego wants
to get its meddlesome fingers into everything it can. and that's
natural; it's been doing so for a very long time and has built up
tremendous inertial force in the process. how can we expect this
complex mechanism that's been doing its damnedest to run every single
aspect of our lives to suddenly take a back seat and allow something
else - something unfamiliar, something foreign, something UNKNOWN - to
take over? not likely. we should have a little more consideration and
respect for the ego than to expect that.

instead, we should see the ego not as a personal problem to be entered
into direct confrontation with (which is just another clever ego ploy
to duplicate itself, place its doppleganger on the execution line, fire, and
declare itself victor) but as an impersonal mechanism that must be
understood to be gradually dismantled. it is less a unified, coherent
entity that can be taken out in one fell swoop, and more a collection
of habitual thought patterns and automatic behaviors that persist even
after genuine experiences of awakening and whose decentralized centers
of operation must be patiently, methodically identified and passively
energy-starved time and time again. this, of course, is an impossible
task if one is identified with the notion that ego is an enemy
that must be destroyed at all costs.